how can i forget to blog about yesterday?
the day i met with mr president close up and shook his hand, and talked to him, and took photos with him :D
because the team leaders of Inspire'09 were all overseas (GCP) and bernice was ill that day, glenda and i and another ny girl by the name of celine took the honour of representing Inspire to attend the Citybank YMCA Youth for Causes 2009 awards ceremony (: we won the Special Recognition Award. so yes, we had the honour of going on stage to receive the award, explain our exhibition afterwards, and taking photos with mr president :D
as we reached there super early, i had a small talk with the emcee after the first rehearsal... he was from hwachong! (: if i'm not wrong, he's from my cousin's batch O: forgot to ask him if he knew my cousin haha. apparently, he took bcme last time but he's studying law at nus now! my mother's perfect example to convince me to study law LOL. and apparently the hwachong-and-raffles-cant-go-tgt thing was as serious in his batch as it is now =.= damn funny haha. thank goodness he came to talk or else i would have died of boredom =.= i was alr freezing to death in the lecture theatre of nanyang jc mann. and fuming to death also huh, zhiyiwan. lol.

stayed over at my cousin's house again yesterday (: quite shuang, we went to have dinner outside and then went to random places to take walks, and went back to the house and we played until one plus while my mother and my aunt talked. (sorry for the 'and's hahaha) my cousin is getting back her psle results next week (: good luck girl~!

oh, met joyce and her family today!!! :D LONG TIME NO SEE OMG. my childhood playing partner haha. it has been long since we've talked, or even met each other! must must keep in touch ok (: she's one year younger than me, her bro is one year younger than my bro, and their parents are friends with my parents. we used to play tgt and go out tgt~ wonder if it's possible for us to become great friends again hmmm, havent been really in touch for six years or more? :/ but it's interesting :D

lalala.
oh you might not know but THANKS you made my day a better one (:

drama camp starts tmr! i hope everything will go on well man....
i really hope i didnt miss out any logistics or admin stuff :/ i kept staring at the games document and feeling insecure ><
may everything go well for all six days! (:

omg i think i'm suffering from a weird thing. i just have this oh-man-wth feeling every day and cant seem to be really happy with anything. and the weird thing is, i dont even know what's bothering me O.o like really, i'm trying to find out myself what's causing this unhappiness but i dont know O.O haha i know it's not humanly possible so i'm still searching for whatever it is that's upsetting me. WEIRD RIGHT. any genius or doctor wants to help me out with this? =.=
i think i'm just a weirdo hahaha

three days alr :/
are we trying to set a record or what?
i rather not.


You opened the floodgates to my heart and things just rush out of it at their own accord. I've mentioned stuff i never thought i would. and if i ever need to close this door, i'm afraid it's going to be even harder for me to open up again.

i didnt mean it that way.........
sorryy ><



absence makes the heart grow fonder;
not when there isnt enough faith.

trng today had a great start with a terrible rain (we were kind of waiting to see if there'll be a flood again? ><).
so the whole field was muddy and dirty and what-not~
took a frisbee walk before trng really started hahaha, thanks to the lightning alert.
ran two rounds of warm-up rounds, had fun splashing water :P the water at the main field was clean lor, as compared to the water at side field, which smelt like a PIG STY pls =.= yuckss.
then did three-men drill with Sheng Jie and Yee Fatt.. i need to find more tactics to throw out. it's quite true that i almost always throw backhand and usually will throw outside-in.... must change must change. i marked shengjie haha, good trng to be a tight marker~ when he tries to fake a hammer also no use, cos i cant do anything whether onot he throws >< so talll~
then did vertical go-to (is this what it's called? i forgot lol. the diagonal drill lah). haha my cleats got really really dirty alr....

then played games! (:
whoa today is shuang or shuang, i totally never sub out for all points. train stamina (: today was quite ok ba, i realise i really poach a lot though. but i'm used to poaching and i think it's faster hmmm. need to train more for fakes, i'm too real liao, so cannot do convincing fakes O: 'just plant your foot, and run in the opposite direction'. Be decisive and, NO hesitation!! okay. noted.
marking a handler is easier than marking a runner mann, especially if we're referring to Tess lol. run deep, running and running... 'turnover!' ---danggg. sprints back to stack up again.
PRESSURE~~~ must put pressure when marking, and must keep the force!
we need to build up chemistry and teamwork and communication..
jiayou jiayou!!
then did PT after games; CIRCUITS againn. my muscle aches from tue hasnt disappeared yet, and today do circuits. woots. but i think circuits are really good at trng muscles haha.
i have blisters on both feet!!!!!!!!! ):
ouchh.
went serene centre for dinner.... ate macs and rushed home liao.
haiii.
eh, and they really didnt go and watch the movie in the end sia, waste money -.-

ok, time to sleep? need to wake up super early tmr to go Nanyang JC to represent Inspire for some ceremony.
lala.

oh and as i told melvin, i'm technically supposed to miss trngs next week but... (A)
i guess i can erm try to arrange to go for trngs right? :P
trngs will be in the morning next week hmmm. mon, wed, fri.
ok, monday cannot, cos got icebreakers so i'll have to be there...
see first ba~

dont...
just dont.
at least not now, or maybe just not yet.
i dunno.
i dunno why.
:/

i'm going to cry out with despair at the lameness of teachers omg.
'Happy Mistakes for C1 H2 Happy Package'
hahaha you bi yao ma? totally the =.= feeling.
but oh wells, it totally reminds me that woots i havent started on anything academic for like a month or more alr? except for the 10 math questions i did last sunday...... time to start? oh man, but i dread it.... ok, after drama camp ba. then will be full-huangcheng-prep + orientation/open house prep + HOL HW + TRNGS (: sounds reasonable? LOL. then when sch starts, there will be no more hol hw but sch work. and this time, it's going to include smth called H3. wow fantastic :D very exciting year ahead~ oh btw, i'm going to try to miss as little trngs as possible. i dont want huangcheng to cause me to miss out too much and cost me opportunities and experiences O:
must keep fit and healthy and improve stamina :D but cannot cannot neglect piaowu stuff too.... time management time management ><

anyways, yup i'm feeling better now tyvm (:
a day in sch today to settle drama camp stuff sort of took my mind off stuff. hahaha weiming's bike is cool de lor. but it's so tall and high that i had to sit on the stage and then sit on the bike >< my feet couldnt touch the floor T.T go ahead, laugh at me lol. then stupid teckseng kept playing with the 'donut', treating it like a frisbee lol. anyhow aim at ppl's heads... =.= oh we learned the drama camp dance~ hahaha it's quite erps ><
thank you for pei-ing me again~
(:
i'm starting to get tired of smsing hahaha. sounds weird huh :P

ok, it's going to be one o'clock soon D:
i shall sleeep zzz

it has been a bad day.
dont feel like explaining why.
):
very stupidly, the moment i came online and saw the spam of emails from facebook, i actually felt better =.=
oh wells.

and... sorry.
just ignore me if you dont like it, really.
i guess i'll be fine dealing with this myself.
:/

-------
i'm tired of all the expectations. i'm sick of all the restrictions.
yeah, they're probably for my own good, but shouldnt there at least be a limit to it?
you're not helping, you're just adding on more stress.
i would really prefer if i had that bit more of freedom, that bit more of understanding, that bit more of care.



...am i being unreasonable?

uhh so yes, yesterday was artemis fac outing~
i'm really tired so i shall just blog in point form...

1. not enough food!! :P thank goodness there were pizzas in the end~ even i didnt have enough food, let alone the guys and fac comm ppl ><

2. no ipod shuffle ): hahaha yizhang and his partner really win hands down man... but nice try jiaming, cant believe we were that 'poor' to end up playing those silly games man =.= but lol thanks for not dropping me when carrying me yeah, i was kind of worried actually xD though i was half 'traumatised' cos it's like the first time i got carried like that?? O.O my 第一次 sia =.= but anyway, 合作愉快 lol~ oh wait, DISCLAIMER:the two of us are NOT a couple. hahaha it was quite funny when ppl came up to me with a shocked look to ask if i was really tgt with 'that guy' LOL. i have enough of scandals le so pls spare me the talk O:

3. mr quek is really a typical high sch boy man =.= even he kept teasing me about this fac queen thing -.-
mr quek: 'so, jinqing, that one your boyfriend ah?'
me: 'he's NOT!'
mr quek: 'not? not yet?'
me: 'noo... not as in not.'
mr quek: 'ya lah, not yet.'
me: '.....not not not. not as in not my boyfriend lah! -.-'
mr quek: 'orh, not him ah. then who is it?' (still look around and stare somemore =.=)
then dunno who started talking about jonny being jealous?! LOL.
and jiaming had to choose to appear at that time -.-
but oh wells, i went back into the chalet so saved me the trouble liao haha.

4. journey home from pasir ris was LONGGG~ took the bus to the mrt station and took mrt back with iris zhongzheng kwunwa jonny yongkai alan. they attempted to play murderer on the bus but someone was trying to cheat as usual huh, use reflection.... think nobody knows ah tsktsk. then kw gave up trying to play haha. jiaming and shengjie boarded the bus after a while and stood the whole journey to the mrt station lol. annoying jonny/zhongzheng was being irritating by continuously knocking iris's and my seats zzzz. mrt was relatively empty and i attempted to sleep but smses got in the way. managed to sleep after the city hall station :D i was sooo tired...... got home, bathed, tried to read, dozed off, and finally slept at 1pm....

5. then woke up today to meet up to do drama camp stuff... only zhiyi and i were early -.- boonhui vanessa yuying came like half an hour later . TSKTSK. made stuff, crapped, walked to high sch and back again, then went bukit timah food centre to eat! ate, talked, crapped, some ppl tried to be stupid :P cos i was afraid i might be late for trng, so i went back to sch first... stoned around a little, then iris came and we flicked~

6. trng was quite ok, probably cos we had three girls in the white team and could sub in and out... i still cant stand my stupid miscatch of the first disc during the game... i touched the disc leh, then it just slipped out :/

7. circuit pt! totally reminds me of np times, especially campcraft comp trngs~ quite tiring for the legs on the whole...

8. one of the rare days that i can stay for the whole trng~ cos my mother was at changi cycling with my bro and they were caught in a jam after that lol.

ok i'm tired i shall sleep zzzz. still must go to sch tmr again...

------

what are you thinking of?
looking in your direction, i couldnt help but think of this question again.
at that moment, it all felt so wrong.
i wanted to let it all out at once.
but.
i didnt. i couldnt. i shouldnt.
cos i know,
i'm just thinking too much, feeling too much, dreaming too much.
again.

lol that's just my weakness, thanks yeah =.= just make me feel obliged/very-bad-to-reject and i'll give in to it. oh wells O.o stupid ian, call me for what! stupid iris, never pick up call for what! stupid charis, SABO ME FOR WHAT T.T
maybe i just have this kind of 'bond' with leaders? maybe it's just a pre-sign to tell me that i'll be the wife of the prime minister in the future or smth LOL. i'm just crapping cos i cant believe what i everyone just got me into. well done. i sincerely hope i'll be fine tmr night and HMMMM JIAMING WE ERM BETTER WIN TMR? LOL.

i was the latest today can you believe it! yishun was actually the earliest hahaha what a shocking thing. study lounge was as full as usual omg. i never see the long queue before, it's so scary!!!! O: so went out to Han's to sit down and do work hahaha (it really wasnt my idea to do work ok lol). mousheng and yishun bought food and drinks (thanks for the ice lemon tea dude!) and we stayed there... three of us started on math, while charis did physics lol. totally UNproductive =.= we managed to perservere through TEN questions the whole morning?! O.o hahaha but it was quite amazing, the two who initiated this session did less than ms and i -.- then went bugis for lunch, i felt so full just by watching the guys eat man!! then walked to Iluma cos ms got excited when i mentioned 'long escalators which are fun' LOL. HAHAHA now we know why charis dont like escalators (A) then finally planted ourselves at the area outside the library and played cards >< how does this sound like a study session lol. charis left early; we played contract bridge~ i won once :D then, started trying to do work again while ms lazed around, complaining about how bored he was -.- finally convinced us to play again hahaha then his mother suddenly called and the two of them rushed off to the mrt station. i did two more questions before meeting my bro and mother at bugis for dinner.....
well, apparently my mother isnt very supportive of the idea that i study with friends frequently. she's right to a certain extent, it isnt very productive ><
but i seriously dont want to travel far to study... actually, the best place is sadly, school.

alright, i should sleep soon, so that i have enough energy to face the trauma tmr -.-

how on earth do you define that word man....

watched My Sister's Keeper today (:
glad to be able to catch the movie before it ends~
haha teared a fair bit, especially during the moments in court....
ok, now i shall proceed to read the book after watching the movie (: but first, i must finish my current book. 'If you could see me now' by cecelia ahern. in fact, i just started reading it last night haha. sounds like quite a nice fantasy book hmmm.

Unlike the rest of her life, she could allow who she wanted in, she could decide how long they should stay and where in her home they could be. Not like a heart that invites people in without permission, hold thems in a special place she never had any say in and then yearns for them to remain there longer than they plan.
i like this part (:


the ideal case is probably about letting go,
but i guess the most i can do is to live with it.

 can be both comfortable and awkward.
obviously, the former is much loved and the latter is much dreaded.

this year, i've experienced much and i've learned to accept what comes, and not force things either way. i'm going to accept it, that emptiness, when we both become to quiet, so unlike ourselves. i thought and i'm sure things are much better alr, but this seems to be the best distance, the best way, the way you want things to be, and i'll let it be. i'm going to leave it alone, i'm not going to force things to improve. this is probably how it should be, i dont want to make the same mistake again, and if this is how i can refrain from losing you, i'll let it be.

there's a fine line between knowing what's wrong and doing what's right. there's a finer line between knowing what's stupid and stop doing what's stupid. i've not been truthful about this, not even to myself. subconsciously, i've been doing things i said i wouldnt do, caring about things i said i wont bother to think about, tolerating things i said i hated the most. it's an evident situation of person over matter; i think so too. the queer thing is, i'm no longer frustrated with myself, i'm no longer blaming anyone. i'm not sure if this is the best way things can turn out to be, but it certainly feels ok to deal with (:

(inspired by charis)
i still cant rid of the reliance i have on close friend(s). i've certainly kept more to myself, but i'm still relying much on people. thank you for helping build trust and faith in me, for letting me believe again. thank you for letting me rant, thank you for listening, thank you for putting up with me although you werent in the best condition yourself (: most imptly, thank you for seeing me through this hard year of mine.
some of yall may not be my closest or best friends but yall have at least seen me through the year, playing an important role in my 2009 life in one way or another. let me attempt to run through the memories of the year and list yall out. carin iris charis zhongzheng wutong hweeyanne yishun liangtiong mousheng jonny george limmin jiawen jomain zhiyi yuanhan yunghian jiaming larrie (:

no one's perfect, you're only true friends when you discover each other's flaws and are able and willing to accept them.
sometimes, you'll be surprised with what you are able to tolerate with (:

omg omg omg.
i cant believe myself O:
how could i have missed it!!!!
):
soooo sorry >< though you probably didnt even realise i've forgotten about it :/

so yes, yesterday was class outing! didnt turn out as fun as i thought it should be hmmm. i guess it's always like that, the higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment lol.

i thought i was going to be late cos i was coming from ecp after cycling with my family. in the end when i reached, only charis iris mousheng were there!!! and i was ON TIME. when will everyone learn the art of being on time and not let ppl wait?! :/ ate at city hall while waiting for zhongzheng(STOP BEING LAZY AND LATE) who never came in the end cos he went straight to kallang zzzzzz. wanted to bowl, but there was some event going on so we couldnt. spent eons deciding where to go, and ended up at kbox. one big room for all~ poor limmin, everyone started complaining after the third linjunjie's song was played >< but limmin, thanks for the suggestion and settling everything for us (: singing with guys is really challenging cos their voices are so LOW and LOUD!! totally cannot hear us singing when the guys are using the mike lol, especially mousheng and yongkai =.= then some guys apparently dont want to sing, and wow, their only source of entertainment is to arrange themselves such that i was sitting beside mousheng and then they start having fun trying to take photos of us together. wth =.= i've learned to heck care and dao such childish acts alr man. they seem to never get tired of doing such stuff sia. and the main reason why i didnt resort to changing place cos i was COLD and FREEZING. i didnt want to move from the warmed seat i had stuck myself on haha. then the whole thing ended at 7, and we went to foodcourt to eat. then go home le.... took bus to dhoby ghaut and then took mrt with yongkai and zhongzheng to city hall. makes me wonder why we didnt alight at the bus stop near city hall's mrt station O.O then changed to green line and got down at bugis to find my mother and bugis junction... that's the end of the day. lol. not very exciting hmmm.

need to go to sch later. for training huangcheng meeting. haii, is this the start of perpetual absence from trng due to huangcheng? i dont want :/ i dont want to lose my skills and stamina!!

i realised that there are more womanly woman than me on earth.
LOL.

unconsciously, i've been waiting, waiting for a long time. and it is no longer painful anymore. so, it's actually possible? i'll continue with this experiment then, waiting in hope. hoping that one fine day, things will turn out the way i want it to be. i want it that way. (: maybe, maybe being stubborn isnt that bad after all?
--------

OP IS OVER! :D hahaha it was an experience that i probably wont forget man. although i know i practised quite a lot, but every practice came with stumbling and mind-blocks and mistakes, so i was really scared and nervous since i woke up hahaha. reached sch, received wishes of good lucks and jiayous (thanks mummy, charis, e-hui, hweeyanne, jasmine, yunghian, sijia~) and omg, time flew and we were in E203 alr O: haha sijia's class was just next door... got really really nervous though i didnt show them all cos everyone was alr worried enough lol. when limmin's group was presenting, i was half-nervous for them and half-nervous for myself haha. tried my best to be a, uh, good audience? :D the most jin zhang part was Q&A... then whoa 15 min break and it was our turn?! so FAST O.O

the two assessors were quite nice though (: lightened the mood a little... then just before our presentation started, an indian teacher came in, whom we presumed to be a moderator or someone to observe the assessors assessing us haha. so lalala started off with a video. my legs were SHIVERING as i waited in agony >< somemore when the songs were playing, i couldnt revise my script cos the song flooded my head mann.... 'I hope you enjoyed the video...' then blah blah blah and soon enough, the 4min bell rang and i was alr at my second last slide =.= which means my pace was extraordinary fast cos usually i take around 5min10secs hahaha. but the audience said it was fine so i shall believe them~ then much relieved, i took over the role of clicking slides and i was alr feeling much better. then again, time flew and it was my Q&A! whoa thank god the question was one that i've thought of before!! managed to answer it relatively well (: whew. our group on the whole did quite well (: good job guys! :D

then iris's group~ haha i also dunno why but i still felt nervous when i was listening to their presentation lol.... everyone's pace quickened!! and everyone didnt smile >< hahaha even perpetual smilers like zz also never smile sia.... jonny was the only one who was very natural and easy-going.... but our class did well la (: a few mistakes here and there, but nothing serious (: well done everyone! i hope the other half of the class did well too~

after it was over, we followed iris's pw group to tpy to return the puppets they borrowed. then went to tpy to have lunch at kfc~ then went youjun's house haha. thanks for 'volunteering' your house :P me iris limmin zhongzheng liangtiong jonny yongkai went~ watched tv for a while, then switched to playing cards. then played polar bear.. i seem to keep attracting the Ace spade card (murderer/polar bear) until i was sian of being murderer =.= the guys anyhow de lah, what 'just kill all the girls first' then anyhow sabo!!! whoa and jonny is very violent. take his phone only and he made such a great effort to snatch it back!! VIOLENT. switched to play Uno after that, hahaha, it has been years since i played Uno! and woots i was the first to win. supposed to be a good thing, but the game went on for at least HALF AN HOUR MORE and i was just sitting there, doing housekeeping matters like shuffling the cards zzzzz. SIAN DIAO LOL. then they didnt want to stop somemore... so i desperately watched on T.T and zz was such an annoying pig cos he just kept drawing cards and refusing to put the card(s) he has. he ended up having half the pile of cards in his hands wth.....

went home at six o'clock! took 852 with lt and wow the journey was actually faster than expected~ thank goodness there was no jam along bukit timah road~ went west mall to eat with my mum and bro... now i'm home~ should start doing drama camp stuff but i'm LAZY to start ><

CLASS OUTING TMR :D 16 ppl going (: hope it'll be fun~
going cycling in the morn first ><
tmr sure super tired when i come home de lol.
but if it's a day of fun i dont mind xD

a burden off my back (:

for those who havent have their turn, JIAYOU!! :D
it'll be scary, i wont deny that, but calm down and clear your mind of everything else except your script (:

ALL THE BEST!

"Sometimes, when you dont ask questions, it is not because you are afraid that someone will lie to your face.
It's because you're afraid they'll tell you the truth."

"You make yourself strong because it is expected of you. You become confident because someone beside you is unsure. You turn into the person others need you to be."

(:

they say women's minds never stop thinking. i guess that makes me a very womanly woman hahahahaha :D
i'm very feminine ayeeeee~~~

alright, enough nonsense, i shall be off to practise presenting :D
my mindset : treat it like a performance, a cross-talk performance preferably, hahaha. you cant afford to forget your lines on stage, right? so yes, do it well, do it good (: do yppae proud woots hahahaha

or matter over person?

things happen in life, certainly, but sometimes, the person matters more than the situation. what happened isnt really the concern, the impt thing is who this person is. at times, the situation is the thing that matters. years down the road, you dont remember the person/s involved, but it's the incident that you remember vividly.
....
however, more often than not, during the incidents themselves, you dont know which is the case. you remember the wrong things, emphasise on the wrong events, focus on the wrong people, worry about the wrong happenings.

oh wells, i dont really know what i'm getting at, but i just suddenly thought of this.

so, is this a person over matter, or matter over person?
:/

"Everybody has difficult years, but a lot of times the difficult years end up being the greatest years of your whole entire life…if you survive them."

omg i'm tired and sick of practising my script O.o
going out to watch 'My girlfriend's a secret agent' with my mother later haha
then going out at night....

i think my life has been quite pointless lately =.=
nvm, wait for op to be over then can start busying over drama camp and then outings? i swear it's damn difficult to organise outings i tell you. everyone has so many different and unlimited needs and wants, like you know, scarcity. so i'm facing a very economic problem now as i try to obtain allocative and productive efficiency HAHAHA. sry, econs just popped into my mind suddenly lol...

ok i sidetracked a lot and now it's one  o'clock alr?? so fast.
going for lunch soon~

it sounds interesting :D
quite cool sia, i'm part of organising the camp, my bro will be part of participating the camp~
then i can get the orange shirt too hahaha zhiyiwan are you jealous :P
this time, i'll be working with a whole new lot of ppl, which means new friends, new experiences (:

will be working with weilun and jinghan as facilitators, and 11 other ppl for programmes. it's been long since i took up a proper leadership role, other than gp rep (which isnt exactly a big deal lol), so it feels quite new and stressful to be the overall i/c sia. haha somemore now i need to hide all details when i'm at home, cos cannot let my bro see first. i'm certainly looking forward to drama camp (: it reminds me of yppae's magical holiday camp every half a year~ just that for that, we deal with younger kids. this time, it'll be more challenging with older kids i figure? we shall see~

well, my wish for busy days seem to be coming true earlier than expected. LOL.

by the way, yesterday's trng felt extra good! i also dont really know why. woots i was jiawen's savior for a disc =.= now she owes me a save hahaha.

-----

self note:
to-do-list:
-drama camp
-alumni games day
-organise class outing
-organise primary sch outing

-----

i've been having a very bad temper these few days, sorry guys :/
thanks for bearing with me, i assure you i wont remain like that any longer. i'll find myself back again, fast. just bear with me a little more.. thanks loads, and really, sorry.

thank you for being direct and telling me off at times. dont hide them from me; just tell me what's wrong. as long as it doesnt come as a blow, i can take it. i need someone to tell me straight in the face, tell me frankly, and i promise, i'll try my best to change. although i may seem like i laugh things off, i'll try, and i'm trying. but it'll take time (:

take care~ it isnt wise to bottle things up...

i hate it. my temper has become so terrible. i'm so going to blame it on pw. FIVE MORE DAYS FIVE MORE DAYS!!!!!! i need to freaking edit my script and the slides again (the only good thing is that i'll probably have more to say now) and we need to come up with the video within these few days... and i need to learn to answer questions. seriously. i cant think on the spot zzz.

i dunno, i feel like my character turned for the worse ever since i stepped into jc. become less tolerant, less patient, less polite, less caring.... and whatever you can think of. it sucks; i've got to change. really change. it's just that whenever i think i was too much, i cant change things. i cant go back in time. and sometimes... i dont know how to apologise. i hate myself when i know i should but i refuse to do smth. very contradicting and the feeling is horrible. i want to stop snapping at ppl. i want to stop getting angry easily. i want to be more tolerant.

and...i want to stop that feeling. sucks. i dont want things that way. dont dont dont. shut off, jinqing. if only emotions are controlled by switches. if only. then it'll make the world a better place, wont it? then you can stop whatever emotions and feelings you dont want to have. period. no dangling souls, no troubled minds. how i wish things were that easy. but life is always a challenge. face it, let's face it. i need to find a way out myself. slowly. no matter how long it takes, it must go away. completely. i dont want to have that feeling anymore. maybe when op is over next wed, i can finally have some quiet time, to think, to clear things, to start my feelings anew. and prepare for the new year.

next year is going to be worse than this year, with so much stuff going on concurrently. Mr Ang said today that all syllabus will be completed in june or early july. which means, time is so tight that i dont think i have time to feel lol. i'll have normal school curriculum to kope with, plus the new thing called H3, plus HUANGCHENG, plus training..... haii, if i take the physics module that i'm most interested in for H3, the days it'll be held on is tue and thurs. that's one day of trng down. and piaowu is going to have a meeting every fri.................. I AM SO GOING TO LAG BEHIND FOR TRNGS ARGGHHH. commitments commitments commitments. how ): tough decisions to make at times.......... see how it goes? oh wells.

op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op op  op op op
D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D:
why must they have Q&A?!! ):

Tell me why
Aint nothing but a heartache
Tell me why
Aint nothing but a mistake
Tell me why
I never want to hear you say
I want it that way

why do i always end up having the wrong feeling?
why do i always do the wrong things?
why do i always act the wrong way?
........



i'm.... not in a good mood today.

it's nearing the end of the year; it's time to do some recount and reflection about the year 2009.

before that, there are stuff that'll still be coming up in the year 2009.
1. PW ORAL PRESENTATION O.O
2. drama camp! (:
3. frisbee chalet :D
4. prep for huangchengyeyun2010  <3
5.other outings and small activities

firstly, let me talk about the most boring aspect: academically. well, i must say that i'm satisfied with whatever achievements i have this year, probably partially thanks to iris and limmin for setting the high standards; i'm serious, when i see them doing well, it gives me a push to want to study harder. i know, i probably study much more than them, but it's cos of the hard work that allowed me to obtain thus fair. for them, it's much easier, they dont need to study as hard to get a mark higher than me (best example: CHEM). they'll probably deny or want to differ with me when they see this, but whatever it is, their results and smartness pushed me on in a way to do better. there were times when i felt like giving up, certainly, especially for chem and econs, cos it seemed like no matter how hard i tried, i just couldnt break through the mark barrier. thankfully, my chem promos was blessed with an A. my first A for chem in jc and i'm proud of it (: as for econs (and gp, in fact), there's a lot more hard work needed to even push them to a C grade. basically, my problem with academics is stamina. when i have the feeling of studying, woots, i'll just practise and do and not feel sian or anything. but this feeling comes really RARE. more often than not, the feeling that haunts me is the feeling that i havent done enough but i couldnt find the motivation to go on, yet i keep worrying about it. so it leaves me in a horrible mood and things are still left undone.

this year has certainly been a roller-coaster year for me, i can even call it traumatic at times (yeah O.O), with busy schedules to deal with, the deaths of two family members, falling sick relatively more than ever, injuring myself at an unusual frequency, other problems.... well, i'm glad that all is going to end on a positive note (at least, for now, it still seems to be that way).

i've become more religious in a way, praying regularly, but i'm not ready for attending frequent church services yet. probably cos of the lack of time; i dont like commiting to something and then have to leave it hanging halfway (this brings me to another point), especially when this is about religion. slowly. i'll keep my promise to my grandma; after As, i will. (:

ccas. at the start of the year, huangcheng really created a significant impact in my life. it opened me up to things i've never experienced before, friends i'll never forget, lessons i've definitely learned... i really enjoyed the huangcheng period. thanks fellow xuanchuan mates and seniors (: and then when the production ended, frisbee took its place. i begin to transfer my energy and time to trainings, with lesser and lesser huangcheng meetings. trained hard, exercised a lot, grew healthier, and of course, made friends (: a bigger circle of friends, much bigger than the group of 12 other sqdms, hence, it certainly felt harder to feel bonded. and then dalt. yeah, havent been to trngs at all >< but helped out a few times for performances (: if it's even possible, i feel like performing for cny next year lol. but then... i think i have too many commitments and 24/7 is not enough anymore. next year will start of with a bang with prep for huangcheng, the new academic commitment to a h3 subject and trngs. will i have time? i seriously have no idea. it's for sure a busy start though :/  here comes a problem; if i successfully get the physics h3 module, i wont be able to go for trngs at all. cos on tue i'll have physics h3, and on fri i'll have the regular huangcheng piaowu meeting. THEN HOW?! i dont want to lose all the skills i'm starting to build up and i dont want to lack the experiences and trng. damnn... there isnt even a chance for me to prioritise. haii.... and this will last for 4 months, until huangcheng ends. which doesnt sound great to me at all.

ever since i entered jc, i've made a whole lot of new friends (: from classmates to ccamates to friends' friends, my social circle certainly widened a lot a lot lol. thanks ppl for being part of my life, whether for a long period of time, significant or not significant. i know it's difficult but there are ppl who may seem to be important in your life but after a while, they turn away; these are the times when we need to learn to move on. i believe that those two words are possible; move on. yeah, they always say that you only realise what you cherish when you lose that smth. but i want to add on that, sometimes, you only realise what you've been missing after you're willing to let go. once again, thank you friends (: without any one person, i'll probably miss out certain experiences, whether good or bad. to some, thanks for being part of my life for me to learn smth, to others, thanks for the care and concern and help when i'm feeling low, to all, i hope i have been a good friend in one way or another (:

i love memories yet the thought of all the memories is overwhelming, and now as i try to recall about my life with my og, i realise i dont remember much ): i dont want to forget, but sometimes, things just slip away slowly, quietly. no matter how hard you try to dig it out, you know it's stuck somewhere, but you just cant retrieve it. i dont like the feeling x/ but i guess this is part of life, isnt it? happening, passing, forgetting. it isnt nice, but one's memory just has its limits i suppose. it's just that it isnt nice to forget something that others might hold dearly on to. and one day when it's brought back as a topic of discussion you realise it isnt smth impt in your life anymore. it isnt nice. but such things are inevitable. there are ppl we feel like holding on forever, feelings that we're not willing to let go, memories that we dont wish to forget; yet, on the other hand, the other party doesnt really care. it always happens, like how ppl cross each other's lifes and one finds the other more impt than the other finds one. life is about forgiving and forgetting. forgiving the ones we care for, forgetting the things not worth remembering or painful to remember.

my stubborness certainly has not improved; it probably worsened :/ but i've got to live with it ba, it's hard to change.
being in jc sometimes feels like i'm being brought back to pri sch life. lol for this matter i shant elaborate why.

ok, it's kind of late, if you can tell that i'm quite sleepy from my unorganised thoughts. shall be back to edit this post soon.
for now, goodnight world.